journey

When Trigger Hits│Fighting Depression

No, not again.  I can feel it. The trigger. I was doing so well. What happened? Okay, think about all of your blessings. Practice gratitude. You got this Dom. You got this. You…

I usually run into the bathroom at work before the tears begin to travel down my cheeks. This feeling always finds a way to sneak up on me. I absolutely hate this feeling.  The feeling of confusion, fear, and defeat.  Caused by over-thinking and the lack of patience. Leading to anxiety and panic attacks. Then, I am left with guilt for feeling this feeling in the first place. This is what goes on in my mind. This is the cause of the dis-ease in my temple.  And what annoys me the most, is the fact that I know I have the power to control it.

I suffer from depression. I hate saying that word. I feel like every time I say it or think it, I am giving it power to control me. So many times I feel powerless. When depression hits, I am unable to get out of bed to do the things I love or just be present. Thinking and not living. One trigger comes from work. I am not working in a place where I love or simply enjoy what I do. I spend most of my days in a place I actually hate. Wait… strong word. I spend most of my days in a place I strongly dislike. I am not learning skills or progressing in any areas I need for the things I want to do with my life. I never saw this happening. However, I do not regret my current situation because it is all part of my process to becoming (or reawakening to) the person I am meant to be. I take accountability for my choices because at the end of the day, the Universe gave me what I ASKED for. I was chasing money and benefits and I got just that. I am grateful for it and know there are others that would love to be in my shoes. However, at the end of the day I pushed my passion to the side.  I am a creator and stopped creating. I believed that a 9-5 would bring an easier life (which it did for me) but it didn’t give me a happier life. I realized that, for years, I have been seeking relative happiness instead of ABSOLUTE happiness. The happiness you find within. Therefore, I am thankful for this process for reminding me how important living is. How important passion is. How important it is to feed your soul.

Mental illness is a topic that continues to surface on my timeline every day. I know that I am not alone. However, knowing that doesn’t make me happy either. What I want is to be part of the solution that leads to the end of mental illness, holistically. I know that ultimately we have to work within. However, another trigger comes from what I see happening all over the world. I can’t even turn on the news anymore. It feels like I absorb so much energy from what I see and it’s overwhelming.  I want to do more to help. I know that one day I will be able to help. I want to heal other beautiful souls, help build a stronger and more unified community. But first, I must heal myself. Which I have been doing. I have been using various tools from my journey starting in my late 20’s. Focusing deeply on my spirituality (without my strong connection to God, I really don’t know where I would be right now). One of the mechanisms I use to help me during my moments of depression, is reminding myself that my current situation is not the end-all-be-all. I have to remind myself to see the bigger picture.  I have to remind myself to stay focused, be patient, and never forget to be present. I know it’s a work in progress. Life is a work in progress.  I’m a work in progress. I am ever-changing. Always evolving. I am in my cocoon right now and I accept this fragment of my life.

I am journeying to find my soul again and I have been doing better. Doing things I want to do without seeking outside validation. I am learning to listen within. I will continue to learn the universal language so I can better communicate with God and my ancestors. I am learning to trust my process.  I am learning to breathe.  I am learning to be more courageous and less fearful. I am learning to accept me. All of me. I am learning to let go of habits that create the same patterns that lead to self-destruction. I am on a journey of self-evolution.  It’s uncomfortable and lonely at times, but very necessary.  I don’t know exactly where I will be in the future, but I know exactly where I DON’T want to be right now. I know soon it will be time for me to move on. When I do, I pray that I will be completely guided and protected.

I want to be more transparent with you and myself. It’s hard to share this because I have always been strong, never showed weakness. However, I am learning that there is strength in vulnerability. To be open to your own truth. Self-realization is a big important step towards healing. I’m learning how to be in a relationship with myself and love myself to the fullest so I can be a better servant to the world. And together, if we help one another, the possibilities are endless. The future is bright. We can reawaken and ignite the power we hold within.

Love + Light

DS

Advertisements

Thirty to 30: Countdown to my 30th Birthday

2015-12-07 21.23.47

December 6, 2015 was my official 30 day countdown transitioning from my 20’s into my 30’s!

I have been looking forward to my 30’s for some time now, and to be honest, I’m not exactly sure why.  However, I do know that I have been blossoming into a stronger, more spiritual, and loving human being.  There is a shift happening inside of me and it’s steadily leading me to a higher state of awareness.  I have been opening my Third Eye and trying to become a better woman each and every day.

As I say goodbye to my 20’s and hello to my 30’s, I thought of some things I can do to start my celebration.

First – I made a list of almost everything I wanted to do in the past (at least most of what I can remember) but never set time to do.  *I will update my blog on everything I did on my list.

Second – Meditation, prayer, exercise, write, read, etc.  I will focus on everything that I’m grateful for and practice not complaining about anything in my life.  If I find myself complaining, sad, angry or if I feel like my anxiety is kicking in, I will read my daily affirmations.  My focus is to bring harmony and balance, and to become one with my temple, mind, and soul.

Third – No sex for 30 days.  I do have a boyfriend who has been very supportive about my decision. (Shout out to your strength babe.  ‘You the real MVP!’).  I wanted to take the days leading up to my 30th to focus on womb and auric cleansing which I will explain further in a future post.  I want to also use the time to focus my sexual energy on something more creative, spiritual, or both!

Fourth – This will be the beginning (or restart) to a cleaner diet.  I practiced a vegan diet for 40 days earlier this year but, I need to I still feel the need to educate myself more about Veganism.  Over the years, I have gradually cut pork, red meat, refined sugar, processed meats, and other kinds of processed foods out of my diet.  I really don’t want to put a label on my diet.  However, I will make sure that my chicken and eggs are vegetable fed and make sure that my fish is wild caught.  I will also consume more fresh vegetables and fruits and eat meat more sparingly.

Life is so amazing and I look forward to continuing my journey and I pray that God and my ancestors continue to provide me with love and protection.  – Ase

With love,

DS

How do you prepare for you birthday? Let me know below!