Peace

Intuitive Healing

Confusion turned to clarity
Finally, I stopped blaming me
There’s duality to everything once I stopped playing victim
And looked at both ends of the spectrum
I can’t really say that I found beauty in this tragedy
All I can do is heal and remember to breathe

To my partner, thank you
for being my strength when I felt weak
blessed to have you by my side the whole way through

 

The signs were so similar; cramping, lower back pain, and bloating. I was just waiting for my cycle to come.  I  would constantly check my period app and thought,“I’m not that late.”  There were so many occurrences happening at once. I was working my 9-5, teaching my Mat Pilates class, studying for another certification, and training my client.  I was so oblivious to the thought of being pregnant. Then I started craving meat! I wanted jerk chicken, curry goat, and shrimp – fried shrimp, jerk shrimp, shrimp scampi – I wanted everything that was out of my diet! I was no longer fitting into my bras (which by the way I enjoyed very much) and blamed my water system for making me feel nauseous. I never thought, or maybe, I didn’t want to believe that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant.

One day during my lunch break, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I live walking distance from my job and conveniently near a pharmacy. I went home and followed the directions that came with the test accordingly. Those 30 seconds felt like eternity! Then, what looked like magic, appeared two lines on the stick. I cried. I cried because I was scared AF! A baby?! How?! I mean we all know how, but throughout my entire relationship we have always been so careful. I guess I should take out that “so”.

20180202_133154.jpgWhy did this happen now during this very moment where I would be making a huge transformation in my life? The thought of having a baby was no where near my radar. There was not one ounce of baby fever floating inside of me. One minute I thought my career was over and the next I thought how my little bundle of joy would be my motivation to work even harder. Literally those thoughts enter my mind and left once I realized I had 10 minutes to get back to work.

I went to the doctor a couple of days after finding out about my shocking news.  I think deep down inside I needed extra confirmation and I was a bit concern about the cramping and spotting I have been experiencing. The doctor gave me a sonogram and a heart beat was there. I was able to see this white colored peanut shape on the black screen. Being present in the moment, I smiled and placed my hand over my stomach. I couldn’t stop looking at my confirmation on the screen. There was actually something growing inside of me! They also checked my hCG levels and told me I had to retest my levels two days after. I did just that. On that day, however, clouds hovered over me. My levels were not only lower than where it should be at 9 weeks but were also dropping instead of doubling up. I retested two more times and was diagnosed with threatened miscarriage or threatened abortion. I immediately started to blame myself and believed that my thoughts about not being ready for this pregnancy caused us to go through this unfortunate situation.  It felt like each day I was losing more of my pregnancy symptoms. All I wanted was for my symptoms to stay. I was put on pelvic bed rest and did my best to take it easy… but it wasn’t enough.

I remember the day being very cloudy. Snow started falling while I was making my way back home. Everything around me sounded as if I was under water; mumbles I guess. I felt empty. I was tired. I was hungry. I was upset. I was sad. I was numbed. I went straight into the shower as soon as I entered my apartment. I took off my clothes, turned on the water and stepped into the tub.  I grabbed my soap and began to wash my body.  Once I reached my stomach, it felt like I stopped breathing. I think I almost did. It felt like my chest was shriveling up like a raisin. “Breathe. Please Breathe.”  There was nothing there. There was nothing inside of my tummy anymore.  I made it to 11 weeks and 3 days.

The doctors pointed out that I had a few fibroids inside and around my uterus. Again, I started to blame myself. “had I just changed my diet sooner.”, “I should’ve taken the test sooner, I could have avoided all the internal stresses.”, “if I knew sooner I could have started prenatal care earlier.” and many more mental punches.

But time allowed me to heal.

I feel better and I’m on a mission to shrink these fibroids holistically. I’m not sure what caused me to have these complications. I do know that I want to create a healthier environment for my next pregnancy. I want to be well within. And I will be. They say things happen for a reason and I’m pretty sure I know my reasons for this experience.

To all the women who have experienced a pregnancy loss, I send you love and positive vibes. To all the men who were by their woman’s side, you are very much appreciated.

 

Love + Light

DS

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Shower Me with Your Wisdom and Truth

Get lost and set your soul free to this track from Wynter Gordon.

Are We All Just Victims Of Circumstance?

pierIs there really a such a thing as coincidence? Or is everything on earth a “chain reaction”?  Does every thought, choice and action determine our fate and guide us in the path we are currently on?  Or are we all just victims of circumstance?  I realize that there may be no concrete answer, however, I do know that the choices I have made thus far have led me back to doors I never thought would open again.

As 2015 approached, I sat in front of my computer determined to write down my New Year resolutions.  All thirty-eight of them (I know it sounds crazy, but you would be surprised how much room there is for improvement in all of our lives)!  However, towards the end of January, something inside of me told me to dig deeper.  After some deep meditative thought, leading to a conversation with myself, I concluded that I wanted more than what my eyes could see.  I was too caught up in this pattern of wanting materialistic things or living conditions in hopes for them to bring me happiness.  Then I realized that this entire time I was in search to find relative happiness.  You know, “if I get a raise, I’ll be happy”, or “if I find a new job, I’ll be happy”, or “If I buy a car, I’ll be happy…”  What happens when we get the material things we ask for?  Are we really fulfilled?  What happens when we do not receive all that we asked for?  Can we still find happiness in our current state?  Can we accept that which we cannot change?

When we feel like we need physical things to compensate for our lack of happiness, we are asking for relative happiness aka temporary happiness.  For so many years I have lived on relative happiness.  Now I’m beginning to ask myself, “What does my soul want?  How can I have absolute happiness?

So now I’m in search to figure out what my soul really wants.  I’ve begun asking the Universe for life conditions: To be centered with the Spirit, to commit to value, to serve a purpose, to love, to express, and to create.  I started focusing on these conditions, trying to open my third eye and become aware and confident in my path.  Already it seems that doors have begun to open for me — the same doors that were sealed for years.  I am now even more determined to work on myself, deepen my spiritual practices and feed my soul.  It has led me to work on my craft again and to take care of my body again, along with my mind.  I’m reading more and feeding my soul with positive, optimistic, encouraging words and motivating affirmations (some of which I will definitely sharing with you!).  I feel that I am preparing myself to seize every opportunity that could potentially come my way.

On Saturday February 21st 2015, I went to an SGI-Nichiren Buddhist meeting in Harlem, NY.  What started out as me just trying to be supportive for my Dad (he was leading a presentation) turned out to be a form of enlightenment for me!  The main topic of discussion was their theme for 2015: Dynamic Development.  When you research the meaning of the word “dynamic” you will come across amazing words such as lively, active, self-motivated, vigorous, force.  All of these things stimulate change and deal with motion.  The steps that were outlined to live out this theme were to not be afraid to change yourself, never give up, and advance with joy.  I realized, during that meeting, that I was already implementing these steps into my life so it just really cemented everything for me.  This is what makes the Universe so incredible!  It is as if this meeting was purposely orchestrated for me.  I am super excited and now I am extra inspired!  I’m going to continue to take the steps and put forth the effort to live an abundant life with absolute happiness.  I don’t know if it was simply coincidental or if somehow my actions (and resulting chain-reactions) led me to that meeting.  When you look at both angles it’s really hard to gage and lean in either direction with absolute certainty.  I don’t know if I really need the answer, though.  I just know that I’m at the right place at the right time in my life, and I think that matters more.  Namaste.

With love,
DS