Intuitive Healing

Confusion turned to clarity
Finally, I stopped blaming me
There’s duality to everything once I stopped playing victim
And looked at both ends of the spectrum
I can’t really say that I found beauty in this tragedy
All I can do is heal and remember to breathe

To my partner, thank you
for being my strength when I felt weak
blessed to have you by my side the whole way through


The signs were so similar; cramping, lower back pain, and bloating. I was just waiting for my cycle to come.  I  would constantly check my period app and thought,“I’m not that late.”  There were so many occurrences happening at once. I was working my 9-5, teaching my Mat Pilates class, studying for another certification, and training my client.  I was so oblivious to the thought of being pregnant. Then I started craving meat! I wanted jerk chicken, curry goat, and shrimp – fried shrimp, jerk shrimp, shrimp scampi – I wanted everything that was out of my diet! I was no longer fitting into my bras (which by the way I enjoyed very much) and blamed my water system for making me feel nauseous. I never thought, or maybe, I didn’t want to believe that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant.

One day during my lunch break, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I live walking distance from my job and conveniently near a pharmacy. I went home and followed the directions that came with the test accordingly. Those 30 seconds felt like eternity! Then, what looked like magic, appeared two lines on the stick. I cried. I cried because I was scared AF! A baby?! How?! I mean we all know how, but throughout my entire relationship we have always been so careful. I guess I should take out that “so”.

20180202_133154.jpgWhy did this happen now during this very moment where I would be making a huge transformation in my life? The thought of having a baby was no where near my radar. There was not one ounce of baby fever floating inside of me. One minute I thought my career was over and the next I thought how my little bundle of joy would be my motivation to work even harder. Literally those thoughts enter my mind and left once I realized I had 10 minutes to get back to work.

I went to the doctor a couple of days after finding out about my shocking news.  I think deep down inside I needed extra confirmation and I was a bit concern about the cramping and spotting I have been experiencing. The doctor gave me a sonogram and a heart beat was there. I was able to see this white colored peanut shape on the black screen. Being present in the moment, I smiled and placed my hand over my stomach. I couldn’t stop looking at my confirmation on the screen. There was actually something growing inside of me! They also checked my hCG levels and told me I had to retest my levels two days after. I did just that. On that day, however, clouds hovered over me. My levels were not only lower than where it should be at 9 weeks but were also dropping instead of doubling up. I retested two more times and was diagnosed with threatened miscarriage or threatened abortion. I immediately started to blame myself and believed that my thoughts about not being ready for this pregnancy caused us to go through this unfortunate situation.  It felt like each day I was losing more of my pregnancy symptoms. All I wanted was for my symptoms to stay. I was put on pelvic bed rest and did my best to take it easy… but it wasn’t enough.

I remember the day being very cloudy. Snow started falling while I was making my way back home. Everything around me sounded as if I was under water; mumbles I guess. I felt empty. I was tired. I was hungry. I was upset. I was sad. I was numbed. I went straight into the shower as soon as I entered my apartment. I took off my clothes, turned on the water and stepped into the tub.  I grabbed my soap and began to wash my body.  Once I reached my stomach, it felt like I stopped breathing. I think I almost did. It felt like my chest was shriveling up like a raisin. “Breathe. Please Breathe.”  There was nothing there. There was nothing inside of my tummy anymore.  I made it to 11 weeks and 3 days.

The doctors pointed out that I had a few fibroids inside and around my uterus. Again, I started to blame myself. “had I just changed my diet sooner.”, “I should’ve taken the test sooner, I could have avoided all the internal stresses.”, “if I knew sooner I could have started prenatal care earlier.” and many more mental punches.

But time allowed me to heal.

I feel better and I’m on a mission to shrink these fibroids holistically. I’m not sure what caused me to have these complications. I do know that I want to create a healthier environment for my next pregnancy. I want to be well within. And I will be. They say things happen for a reason and I’m pretty sure I know my reasons for this experience.

To all the women who have experienced a pregnancy loss, I send you love and positive vibes. To all the men who were by their woman’s side, you are very much appreciated.


Love + Light



Say Baby…

“Say baby, can I be your slave?
I’ve got to admit girl, your the shit girl
And I am digging you like a grave

Now do they call you daughter to the Spinning Pulsar
Or maybe Queen of 10,000 Moons, Sister to the distant yet
Rising star

Is your name Yemaya? Oh hell nah, it’s got to be Oshun”

A Wombman Kind of Love


The initiation has begun.

Take me to your source, the spring of all beginnings,
where I fill my cup with moon light,
burning away my insecurities,
facing my demons and my angels,
explore all the shades, valleys, dimensions of my shadowland
rediscovering my personal rituals of self-love,
dispelling the myths of female inferiority.
The mirror is no longer a pool of rage, guilt, and self-denial,
I can reflect positive self-images,
being more than a reflection of my mother, children, or lovers.
I can breathe deeply now,
breathing in my joy, hope, faith, and patience,
becoming the nurturing mother of my wounds,
breathing in the energies of the nurturing moon.
The daughter of the moon awakens,
I become the wild full moon dancer,
who is free at long last,
to rediscover the ancient rituals of self-love.
The pathway to my heart is open now.
I can now sing songs of love,
celebrating the awakening of my deep feelings,
sensual needs and sexual self-satisfaction.
I take care of the woman of my sea,
filling my cup with the deep waters of my soul,
becoming the wise queen of the moon.
~Marcia Moonstar