strength

Intuitive Healing

Confusion turned to clarity
Finally, I stopped blaming me
There’s duality to everything once I stopped playing victim
And looked at both ends of the spectrum
I can’t really say that I found beauty in this tragedy
All I can do is heal and remember to breathe

To my partner, thank you
for being my strength when I felt weak
blessed to have you by my side the whole way through

 

The signs were so similar; cramping, lower back pain, and bloating. I was just waiting for my cycle to come.  I  would constantly check my period app and thought,“I’m not that late.”  There were so many occurrences happening at once. I was working my 9-5, teaching my Mat Pilates class, studying for another certification, and training my client.  I was so oblivious to the thought of being pregnant. Then I started craving meat! I wanted jerk chicken, curry goat, and shrimp – fried shrimp, jerk shrimp, shrimp scampi – I wanted everything that was out of my diet! I was no longer fitting into my bras (which by the way I enjoyed very much) and blamed my water system for making me feel nauseous. I never thought, or maybe, I didn’t want to believe that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant.

One day during my lunch break, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I live walking distance from my job and conveniently near a pharmacy. I went home and followed the directions that came with the test accordingly. Those 30 seconds felt like eternity! Then, what looked like magic, appeared two lines on the stick. I cried. I cried because I was scared AF! A baby?! How?! I mean we all know how, but throughout my entire relationship we have always been so careful. I guess I should take out that “so”.

20180202_133154.jpgWhy did this happen now during this very moment where I would be making a huge transformation in my life? The thought of having a baby was no where near my radar. There was not one ounce of baby fever floating inside of me. One minute I thought my career was over and the next I thought how my little bundle of joy would be my motivation to work even harder. Literally those thoughts enter my mind and left once I realized I had 10 minutes to get back to work.

I went to the doctor a couple of days after finding out about my shocking news.  I think deep down inside I needed extra confirmation and I was a bit concern about the cramping and spotting I have been experiencing. The doctor gave me a sonogram and a heart beat was there. I was able to see this white colored peanut shape on the black screen. Being present in the moment, I smiled and placed my hand over my stomach. I couldn’t stop looking at my confirmation on the screen. There was actually something growing inside of me! They also checked my hCG levels and told me I had to retest my levels two days after. I did just that. On that day, however, clouds hovered over me. My levels were not only lower than where it should be at 9 weeks but were also dropping instead of doubling up. I retested two more times and was diagnosed with threatened miscarriage or threatened abortion. I immediately started to blame myself and believed that my thoughts about not being ready for this pregnancy caused us to go through this unfortunate situation.  It felt like each day I was losing more of my pregnancy symptoms. All I wanted was for my symptoms to stay. I was put on pelvic bed rest and did my best to take it easy… but it wasn’t enough.

I remember the day being very cloudy. Snow started falling while I was making my way back home. Everything around me sounded as if I was under water; mumbles I guess. I felt empty. I was tired. I was hungry. I was upset. I was sad. I was numbed. I went straight into the shower as soon as I entered my apartment. I took off my clothes, turned on the water and stepped into the tub.  I grabbed my soap and began to wash my body.  Once I reached my stomach, it felt like I stopped breathing. I think I almost did. It felt like my chest was shriveling up like a raisin. “Breathe. Please Breathe.”  There was nothing there. There was nothing inside of my tummy anymore.  I made it to 11 weeks and 3 days.

The doctors pointed out that I had a few fibroids inside and around my uterus. Again, I started to blame myself. “had I just changed my diet sooner.”, “I should’ve taken the test sooner, I could have avoided all the internal stresses.”, “if I knew sooner I could have started prenatal care earlier.” and many more mental punches.

But time allowed me to heal.

I feel better and I’m on a mission to shrink these fibroids holistically. I’m not sure what caused me to have these complications. I do know that I want to create a healthier environment for my next pregnancy. I want to be well within. And I will be. They say things happen for a reason and I’m pretty sure I know my reasons for this experience.

To all the women who have experienced a pregnancy loss, I send you love and positive vibes. To all the men who were by their woman’s side, you are very much appreciated.

 

Love + Light

DS

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Gifts: The tools to Reflect. A Guide Towards Self-love.

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God has an amazing and creative way to share gifts with us. Today, spirit did it again and gave me an abundance of gifts to start out 2016 with.  First, I was blessed to see another year (made it to 30, I’m a big kid now!) and spend that time with family and friends. Second, I got accepted to graduate school and started last week.  Third, I was in attendance at an amazing and uplifting Queens Round Table conference entitled “Reclaim Your Crown,” which also included two workshops.

From that awesome workshop, I took a lot of important and powerful messages with me today.  I was reminded that, in spite of all that I do or plan to do to hold down my kingdom, it is important for me to find balance and take care of myself.

Man, I needed that reminder!

There was also one question that arose during the workshop that I really wanted to reflect on and journal about this evening. That question was, “what are three things you appreciate about yourself?”  It’s a very important question and, to be honest, it was a hard one for me. After reflecting on it, I was only able to answer two and that’s okay right now. I’m aware now and will do a better job to think about myself in a positive light and not focus so much on the negatives or what I used to consider to be “weaknesses.”  It is absolutely imperative that we understand the importance of growth. However,  growth can be achieved in a more positive way, whilst highlighting the best in myself at all times.

What are three things that I appreciate about myself?

1. I appreciate the fact that I’m ever-changing.
For so many years people made me feel like I was all over the place. I was told things like:
“You like too many things.”
“Focus on one thing.”
“Girl, what are you getting yourself into now.”
These few quotes would constantly circle my mental and keep me stagnant.   It took me a long time to remove the toxic words out of my psyche and to appreciate this part of me. I’m in love with many things and that’s okay! I’m always willing to learn and grow and with growth comes change. I’m always finding ways to elevate myself. I started out as a blank canvas. As I go through life, I’m adding many colors to my canvas.  I started with the basic primary colors.  From those primary colors, I’m creating more colors and from that creation, I’m creating more and so forth.  Some may interpret my canvas as a colorful mess, but there’s beauty in my mess!  There’s an artistic quality to it and, even more importantly, it’s my canvas and I hold the paint brush!

2. I’m in love with love!
I freaking love, love. I love humans, animals,  plants, this earth, the galaxy, I just freaking love everything. I also love to forgive. Not only because it’s the right thing to do for the world, but because it’s very important to forgive for myself. Why? Well, I need peace within. We all do. How can I move forward with love and through life when there is no peace within? If there is no enemy within, then no enemy outside of me can interfere with my peace.

Thank you Valencia and for the rest of the amazing women who’ve helped turn this  workshop into food for my soul.
Bless Queens